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This essay is a continuation and completion of my last blog essay, “Instant Emotional and Physical Pain”.
IT IS THE ONGOING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AFTER YOUR INITIAL VERBAL AMBUSH THAT CAUSE THE LASTING DEPRESSION AND DESPAIR.
I kept wondering why I was so incapacitated, kept incapacitated after the feelings of dread and despair that had happened so fast and were supposed to be over. Most of the focus in most of my psychotherapy was on the thoughts and beliefs that triggered, preceded my emotional collapse.
This morning I woke up with the fear of not getting my blog site repaired. I didn’t have a webmaster and could see no way to get help for a reasonable price. I was emotionally depressed and pessimistic and not feeling physically good.
This went on for a few hours. I finally made myself go to the gym and after the exercise distracted my mind and body, I realized what was going on. I did not feel good emotionally and physically, because I was still being bombarded by negative thoughts.
Semi-consciously I kept trying to wish away how bad I felt, as I was proving to myself I had no control over my feeling bad. I semi-consciously was gathering evidence to prove I had no control over how bad I felt, as my feeling so awful physically and emotionally was proving to me.
When you gather evidence to back up why you’re feeling so bad in the moment, you are attacking yourself, disempowering yourself.
What do I mean?
You are proving to yourself you are powerless against the bad you’re feeling. Your thoughts are telling you you are powerless and that underlying this, your thoughts are telling you you are powerless against against your cruel thoughts. So, you believe you are powerless against your dread and despair, and physical aches and pains.
You are gathering evidence to prove you are powerless against feeling awful, and your thoughts tell you you are powerless, which sends you further into feeling nothing will get you out of the hole you’re in.
You’ve trapped yourself in a negative thought/pain cycle. As long as you’re in this negative thought/pain cycle, believing the gathered evidence against yourself, you will probably not break the cycle of hurting yourself you’re in.
I’ve always wondered when this happens to me, why it takes hours for me to break out and feel optimistic again.
When I’m semi-consciously gathering evidence I’m experiencing myself as powerless against the onslaught. So, I am powerless!
WHICH MEANS I DON’T DO ANYTHING TO PROVE I’M NOT POWERLESS!
I can’t be alone in this. Have you ever noticed that when you’re in an emotional hole, you don’t do anything to break out?
I’ve always wondered why I stewed in my suffering, and never broke out for hours. In fact in the middle of my despair, in the middle of my depression, I don’t think and felt I could or should break out of it. My cycling in and out of despair has been who I WAS since early childhood.
When I began to challenge my despair, my ego usually took me deeper into disempowerment, so I stopped trying to break out.
In other words I didn’t even consider thinking thoughts repeatedly that would flip me out of my fear and dread. Since my painful feelings and thoughts are happening, THEY MUST BE TRUE!
My ego also tells me that after I’ve been slammed physically and emotionally, that loving supportive transformative loving thoughts will be powerless against my cruel POWERFUL thoughts and feeling.
THIS IS A GIANT LIE!
If you have spent your whole life collapsing whenever you are mentally and physically slammed, then you have accepted your powerlessness and do NOT see a way out.
THIS IS WHO YOU’VE BECOME.
If you choose to will and inhibit yourself out of this despair, think only self-loving life affirming thoughts until you see the potential of these thoughts, until you realize these thoughts are more powerful than thoughts that take everything away.
You then start to become who you truly are, and realize that you are not too weak to win against cruelty.
Over a lifetime many of us think the same negative thoughts and feel the same painful feelings over and over, mixed with loving thoughts that keep us going. These thoughts do themselves, and we feel taken along for the ride and we are.
A person who has mostly happy self-loving thoughts possibly feels taken for a ride, but at least a mostly happy ride.:)
If a moody person has the will to stand up against an ego that isn’t loving and will do anything to stop change, and chooses to inhibit recurring negative thoughts that flash through the mind after the pain is triggered by negative thoughts, then you have a chance to re-author yourself, and return to your inherently loving joyous nature.